Intro

I am Jo, 40 and single. I was born in Portland, OR. My family and I moved to Nampa, ID when I was 10. I grew up in in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I always wanted the whole, get married in the Temple, have a big family and be a stay-at-home mom. But one sure thing that I've learned is that life never goes the way we want it too. I have had a challenging life with great and dark moments and everything in between. I really struggled with wanting that idea of a life and never getting close to having it. I often wondered what was wrong with me and why guys never asked me out. I was in my early 20's before I had my first boyfriend and that didn't even last a year. I remembered waking up one morning and thinking, what was I doing with him? I broke up with him and broke his heart. I don't know if I ever loved him or just the idea of being with someone so that I could have that idea of a life I so longed for. After about a month or so, I started thinking that I missed my only chance to get married and have a family by breaking up with him. I worried so much that he was my only chance, and I let him go. I eventually moved on and got over all those feelings and started to try and build a life for myself. Over the next few years, I had many people tell me that I should go on a mission but it's something I NEVER wanted to do for many reasons one being that I didn't feel like I knew the gospel enough to teach it but wanting to get married and have kids was the biggest reason, I was holding out for that to happen. When I was 28, I made the decision to just go on a mission. I thought that maybe if I did, things would be better once I got home, and Heavenly Father would bless me with a husband and kids. I gave up everything that I had and built to go on a mission and teach the gospel. Going was really hard for me because I've always struggled with change and doing new things. Once things because a routine, I felt better. However, I remember hating waking up in the mornings and struggled silently with getting going. I never felt like I knew how to study the scriptures the way I thought I should be. I think now that it was more of the idea of how to study them by how I was taught. I felt somewhat better after we would leave the house to go teach. Long story short, I ended up being sent home 6 months later due to having knee problems and not being able to walk for a long period of time. Over the next several months, I was beating myself up so much on the inside and feeling like I had knee problems that wouldn't heal and go away because I had such a bad attitude about having to get up in the morning. I started to feel angry toward God for not helping me more and healing my knees. That anger led to me doing things I never thought I would do. I still was trying to live the way I was taught but was feeling so angry inside. 

I moved down to Utah and was hoping that I could get back on track and figure out what I needed to do with my life. The first 5 months were a struggle. I had a job but moved 5 times. I went from sleeping on a friend's couch, staying in a friend's basement living room, moving in with an elderly lady to help take care of things for her, back to my friend's basement until I finally got a part time nanny job for mornings and evenings and was able to live in their basement. I almost gave up before I got the nanny job and was ready to move back to Idaho. I was still going to church but struggling to find a place that I felt comfortable and welcomed. I was too old for the singles ward and felt odd in the family ward. I found a mid-singles ward and went once and was not going to try again. I remember praying and pleading to Heavenly Father to just give me some peace and comfort that things will be ok. I wasn't asking for things to change right away or for a miracle, just for some peace and comfort. IT NEVER CAME! After several weeks of asking morning and night and nothing came, I decided that I was going to stop and figure things out my way and one of those ways was to leave the church. It was so liberating but it also came with a lot of challenges and heartbreak. I was dating someone before I left the church, and my family felt like he was the one that got me to leave. But that was far from the truth. Yes, he did make it easier, but he had nothing to do with making that decision. 

It's been just over 9 years now since I've left the church, and it has only been the last year and a half that I have realized how much trauma I've gone through, and religious trauma was never something that I had. Honestly, I never even knew that was a thing. Due to family relationship changing because I left the church and the relationship I was in; I became very depressed. In the beginning it didn't seem too bad. As time went on and things got worse, the depression got worse too. I ended up going to my Dr and getting on antidepressants. After about a year or so, I stopped taking them and convinced myself that I could take care of it myself without having to be on meds. Fastforward a few years to where I wasn't just depressed but often wanted to die. I had a few times that if it wasn't for my dog, I would have tried to commit suicide. My dog literally saved my life. I ended up getting back on meds because it got to the point that every time I got into my car, I wished to get in a bad enough accident that I would die. What triggered this was after I broke up with the guy I was dating because he had been cheating on me. I tried so hard to ignore it, but it got to the point that I couldn't function and just going to work was almost too much. Things got better after I got back on meds but there were still things that were haunting me and the anger I've had was still there. 

A year and a half ago I did something really stupid but didn't know that it was stupid. Even though I was still on meds it didn't help at all. I was having a major panic attack, and my heart was racing which caused me to struggle to breathe right and I wanted to end my life. In that moment I thought that I should go to the hospital but then thought if I did, I'd probably be put on a 72 hour hold and that scared the crap out of me, enough so that I didn't go to the hospital. I eventually got some help and got put on some more meds. I started seeing a counselor and working through things that I went through with my family in leaving the church. As we started working through all of that, we got into things that happened during the years of being active in the church. That was when I found out that religious trauma is a thing. From working on and discovering that trauma and putting things together, I have been able to heal and find myself. I am feeling happier and at peace more than I ever have been. It has been such a freeing feeling to finally understand and know how the trauma has affected me in who I am and came become.

Though counseling I thought I should write a book but it's such a scary thing for me to do so my counselor suggested to start with doing a blog, so here we are. I am going to be blogging about things that I've learned, discovered and hard truths about the church that's affected me and my thoughts and feelings. My intention in doing this is not to diminish the church in anyway or anyone that believes in the church. I would never tell anyone that they are wrong or shouldn't believe what they feel is true, these are my experiences and discoveries that I feel like I need to voice. There are things that I feel have gone away from what Christ taught and how He wanted people to be like. I know that no one is perfect however, the church teaches to be Christ-like and to love, forgive and except others for who they are, but I have seen and have heard of so many in the church that do not live like this but still teach it. This blog is not going to be for everyone, so if you are not willing to have an opened mind and allow me to express my thoughts and feelings, please don't follow nor read this. I am not wanting to have any negativity feedback, as thumper from Bambi said, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all!